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Emily Armstrong Uses One of Three Wishes After Deal With Merchant in Dark Alleyway Displaying Pocket Watches Inside Trenchcoat
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Man Chooses ‘Lesser of Two Evils’ for Major Surgery
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Senate Votes Abstinence Only Way to Avoid Birth of Demonic Children
Washington, D.C. — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Senate voted 51-49 on Thursday to pass a bill declaring abstinence as the only foolproof method to avoid the birth of demonic children. “We’ve seen an alarming rise in reports of children with unusual abilities and ominous glowing eyes. The only logical explanation is that these…
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Thomas F. Wilson Nominated by Republican Party to Replace Donald J. Trump
In response to the nomination, Republican Presidential Candidate Tom Wilson told the press on Tuesday, “You know, one thing’s for sure. Some things aren’t going to McFly under my watch.”
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Time-Traveling New Yorker Was In Fact Born Yesterday
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Sam Altman Seeks $7 Trillion to Launch Civilization to 12th Dimension
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a move that has widespread cosmic implications, Sam Altman announced his ambitious plans for $7 trillion investment, intended to catapult civilization into a 12-dimensional future. “In the future, we won’t have to work, and the AI will just do all that stuff for us.” The project is said to be…
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Biden Still Talking About Time He Drove Rumpelstiltskin Out of Town
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, President Joe Biden has once again regaled White House staff with tales of his heroic exploits, this time recounting the time he single-handedly drove the elusive Rumpelstiltskin out of town. The president’s penchant for storytelling has become a staple of his administration, with staffers accustomed to…
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Kamala Harris Orders Helicopters to Parent Nation
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that has left political analysts on edge, Vice President Kamala Harris has reportedly ordered helicopters to be dispatched to parent the nation, with promises to keep a watchful eye on everyone. “It’s time we take parenting to the next level,” Harris declared during a press conference, flanked by…
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Billy Joel Appears Next to Piano After Asking to Turn the Lights Back On
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Judge Orders Double Negative Clears ‘Literal Hate Symbol’ of All Accusations of Evil Doing
DES MOINES, IA — In an unprecedented legal decision, a local judge has ordered a double negative to clear a literal hate symbol of all accusations of evil doing. The ruling has left legal scholars wondering if the English language itself is now subject to courtroom interpretation. “Satan was clearly taken from my religion in…
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Woman Becomes Unexpected Variable After Crashing Through Research Lab
APPLETON, WI — In an unexpected turn of events that could only be described as an unplanned experiment, local woman Sandra Matheson has become the unexpected variable in a groundbreaking research study after crashing through the doors of a high-tech laboratory. The incident occurred on Tuesday morning when Matheson, a yoga instructor with no scientific…
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Biden Requests for Anyone in Audience to Let Him Know How That Preamble Goes Again
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moment that left many in the audience scratching their heads, President Biden called out to the crowd in a recent game show appearance to help recall the exact wording of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. “I know it starts with ‘We the people,’ but could someone in the…
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Biden Endorses Idea That All Americans Suck Equally
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking address to the nation, President Joe Biden shocked both Democrats and Republicans alike by endorsing the radical notion that all Americans are equally terrible. With an air of bipartisan disdain, the President took to the podium to proclaim, “Ladies and gentlemen, let me be clear. Regardless of your political…
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Britney Spears Wins First Professional Knife Throwing Championship
THOUSAND OAKS, CA — In a surprising turn of events, pop sensation Britney Spears has proven herself as a force to be reckoned with outside of the music world by clinching her first professional knife throwing championship. The championship, held in an undisclosed location to ensure Spears’ safety, showcased her incredible skills and uncanny accuracy…
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Analogies About Lifeboats Making Comeback in 2024
In an unexpected linguistic turn of events, analogies about lifeboats are making a comeback in 2024, leaving language enthusiasts and metaphor connoisseurs alike grappling with the resurgence of nautical comparisons. Experts speculate that the revival may be linked to the turbulent times the world is currently facing. From global crises to everyday challenges, people seem…
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John Williams Receives Nomination for His Role as ‘The Most Interesting Man in the World’
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Californians Adapt by Leaving ‘I’ll Be Back’ Scene on Replay
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Senator Palpatine Pushes America Freedom Bill
In a stunning move that has left citizens across the nation feeling safer by the minute, Senator Palpatine has introduced the “America Freedom Bill,” a groundbreaking piece of legislation that promises to bring unprecedented levels of freedom to the United States. The bill, which bears an uncanny resemblance to emergency powers granted during the Clone…
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Klaus Schwab Announces Bold New Fashion Plans at World Economic Forum
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — In a move that sent shockwaves through the world of high finance and haute couture alike, Klaus Schwab, founder and executive chairman of the World Economic Forum, announced today his bold and visionary new fashion plans for the global elite. Speaking at the annual meeting in Davos, Schwab revealed his groundbreaking initiative…
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Mom Still Remembers Time When You Wanted to Be a Ninja Turtle
PITTSBURGH, PA — In a heartwarming revelation that has left family members both amused and nostalgic, sources confirm that your mom still vividly recalls the time when you harbored dreams of becoming a Ninja Turtle. The reminiscence comes as a delightful trip down memory lane, shedding light on the innocent aspirations of your youth. According…
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California Finds New Use for Waste, ‘We’re Going to Drink It and Bathe in It’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a groundbreaking move aimed at addressing the state’s persistent water scarcity issues, California officials have unveiled an innovative solution: repurposing waste into a new, multi-functional resource. In a press conference held on the shores of a slightly murky yet optimistically named “Eco-Lagoon.” “We’re taking recycling to the next level,” the…
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Man Thinks Mars Could Spice Up His Marriage After Binging Sci-Fi Movies
TITUSVILLE, FL — In the mundane landscape of suburban life, one man is on a mission to inject some interplanetary excitement into his lackluster marriage by contemplating the romantic prospects of life on Mars. Stephen Anderson, a 42-year-old accountant has recently found himself in an existential crisis. Over his morning cup of lukewarm coffee, Stephen…
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Woman on Television Asking Everyone to Look Over Here, Please
In an unprecedented plea for recognition, a woman on a local television channel took matters into her own hands, interrupting the regular programming to ask viewers to simply “look over here, please.” The incident occurred during what was supposed to be a routine broadcast. “Excuse me, everyone, I hate to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming,…
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NYC Mayor Adams Announces ‘We’re Not That Kind of a Sanctuary City’
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Recent Study Indicates ‘Female’ Most Controversial Word in 2023
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Man’s New Year’s Resolution for This Year to Reproduce
MIAMI, FL — In a recent family gathering, one local man’s wishes for 2024 came as a surprise. When asked about his recent New Year’s resolution, Jason Dean gave this answer, “Every year I’ve made a New Year’s resolution, I’ve always kept it. I keep my promises. I think it’s time for me to have…
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The New York Times Figures Out How Google Works
NEW YORK, NY — In a groundbreaking investigative report published yesterday, The New York Times proudly declared that they have cracked the code and finally figured out how Google, the search engine giant, actually works. “We realize now that a bot is scanning our pages all the time and using this information for something.” After…
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Sam Altman Fulfills Lifelong Dream of Becoming a Copilot
REDMOND, WA — In a shocking turn of events, ChatGPT’s Sam Altman has decided to veer away from the world of tech and startups to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a copilot. Altman left everyone bewildered with his unexpected career shift. Altman, who once navigated the complex algorithms of the startup ecosystem, is now…
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Southwest Airlines Pushes New ‘Cancel Your Plans’ Holiday Promotion
In a groundbreaking move that promises to redefine the travel industry, Southwest Airlines has proudly announced its latest holiday promotion: the ‘Cancel Your Plans’ deal. Encouraging passengers to embrace the unexpected, Southwest aims to revolutionize the way people approach travel during the festive season. “We believe in spontaneity and the joy of the unknown,” declared…
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Biden Given Task of Identifying Differences Between Two Pictures
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Texans Gather Around XL Sized Christmas Tree
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Sen. Marsha Blackburn Knows Special Place Where Some Are Destined to Go
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising revelation today, Senator Marsha Blackburn proudly declared that she has unearthed a secret locale reserved exclusively for a select group of individuals. “Let me tell you, I’ve found a special place — a destination like no other.” While the senator remained tight-lipped about the exact location, insiders speculate that…
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Sen. Rand Paul to Kickoff ‘Airing of Grievances’ With Festivus Report
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising departure from traditional year-end reports, Senator Rand Paul has announced his intention to kick off the ‘Airing of Grievances’ with a Festivus Report, promising a candid and unfiltered take on the state of politics, as well as an impromptu wrestling match with his political rivals. “I’ve always been a…
Zuckerberg Identifies as Libertarian After Meeting Lilliputians in Metaverse
PALO ALTO, CA — In an unexpected twist, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced Tuesday that he…