-
UK Announces Plans to Receive Wake-Up Call Five Times a Day
-
LA Fire Department Blames Devastation on Word ‘Husband’
“It’s such a dangerous word, we’ve tried removing it completely from the department.”
-
‘Heaven Is a Place on Earth’ Tops Charts in UK
UNITED KINGDOM — In an unprecedented turn of events, Belinda Carlisle’s 1987 hit music track “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” has climbed its way back to the top of the UK Singles Chart. Fans and critics alike are speculating about the reemergence of the song nearly four decades later on today’s chart-toppers. Musicologists are…
-
‘Dancing Baby’ Grows Up to Be Las Vegas Sphere Mascot
-
Chess Tournament Urges Contestants Intelligence, Skill No Match for Fashion
“I honestly can’t believe the man showed up in a Canadian tuxedo. We don’t care how smart you are. If you aren’t wearing a suit that was invented more than 200 years ago, you lose.”
-
Russia and China Announce Plans to Build Gas Station on Moon
-
Joe Biden Takes on Alter Ego ‘Bo Jiden’ in Last Ditch Effort to Capture Hearts, Minds of Americans
“Cool guy, Bo Jiden.”
-
Baby Reportedly Born in Barn
-
Gov. Newsom’s Aide Several Weeks Into Relaying Joke Headlines in Place of Real News
SACRAMENTO, CA— After weeks of confusion, sources close to California Governor Gavin Newsom revealed Monday that his top aide, Marcus Delaney, has been relaying joke headlines in place of real news during daily briefings. “It started innocently enough,” Delaney followed up, reporting it was several weeks ago when he switched to satire to get Newsom…
-
TikTok Releases New Weather Balloon Logo
-
Trump Appoints League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to Cabinet
-
Report: Depression Might Be Linked to Sun Focusing Time, Energy Somewhere Else
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A groundbreaking study from researchers at Harvard University suggests that depression could be influenced by the sun’s apparent decision to “check out emotionally” and focus its attention and energy on other, unspecified areas of the Earth. Studies show that depression might be linked to the Sun focusing all it’s time and energy…
-
Biden Pardons Self for Eating Last Powdered Donut
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning yet quintessentially American display of executive authority, President Joe Biden today issued an official pardon—to himself—for consuming the last powdered donut in the White House breakroom. “Look, folks,” Biden began, squinting at the teleprompter as he adjusted his aviators. “We’ve all been there. Long day, budget negotiations, geopolitical tensions,…
-
Violent Shitstorm Engulfs Small Town, Ravages All Hope for Clean Water
BARNS CREEK, WY — Residents of this small, once-picturesque town were left reeling this week after a violent shitstorm tore through the area, destroying critical infrastructure, upending daily life, and dashing any remaining hopes of clean drinking water. “It’s a total disaster. You prepare for tornadoes, floods, maybe the odd plague of locusts, but no…
-
Egg on Kitchen Floor Sacrifice to Gods
-
Daimyo Gavin Newsom Sends Elite Army of Samurai Actors Into Battle
“This LARP battle will completely eclipse any sort of political discourse on my watch. I want no thoughts, no logic, only psychological deflection.”
-
DOJ Officials Return Google’s Car With Interior Torn Out
“Look, we might have totaled it, and it’s not safe for anyone to drive. But, at least that’ll teach ya’.”
-
Americans Vote United States a Patriarchy With Hot Wife
-
Committee Taunts Sam Altman, ‘If You Love It Why Don’t Your Marry It?’
-
Zuckerberg Identifies as Libertarian After Meeting Lilliputians in Metaverse
PALO ALTO, CA — In an unexpected twist, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced Tuesday that he now identifies as a Libertarian following an eye-opening encounter with a group of Lilliputians in the Metaverse. Speaking at a press conference in the Meta headquarters, Zuckerberg explained that the experience had led him to “fundamentally reconsider everything” about…
-
Jensen Huang Invites Top Billionaires to Throw Stacks of Money Around in Room Together
-
Woman Trapped in Heatwave Finally Accepts New World Order Agenda
-
Emily Armstrong Uses One of Three Wishes After Deal With Merchant in Dark Alleyway Displaying Pocket Watches Inside Trenchcoat
-
Man Chooses ‘Lesser of Two Evils’ for Major Surgery
-
Senate Votes Abstinence Only Way to Avoid Birth of Demonic Children
Washington, D.C. — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Senate voted 51-49 on Thursday to pass a bill declaring abstinence as the only foolproof method to avoid the birth of demonic children. “We’ve seen an alarming rise in reports of children with unusual abilities and ominous glowing eyes. The only logical explanation is that these…
-
Thomas F. Wilson Nominated by Republican Party to Replace Donald J. Trump
In response to the nomination, Republican Presidential Candidate Tom Wilson told the press on Tuesday, “You know, one thing’s for sure. Some things aren’t going to McFly under my watch.”
-
Time-Traveling New Yorker Was In Fact Born Yesterday
-
Sam Altman Seeks $7 Trillion to Launch Civilization to 12th Dimension
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a move that has widespread cosmic implications, Sam Altman announced his ambitious plans for $7 trillion investment, intended to catapult civilization into a 12-dimensional future. “In the future, we won’t have to work, and the AI will just do all that stuff for us.” The project is said to be…
-
Biden Still Talking About Time He Drove Rumpelstiltskin Out of Town
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events, President Joe Biden has once again regaled White House staff with tales of his heroic exploits, this time recounting the time he single-handedly drove the elusive Rumpelstiltskin out of town. The president’s penchant for storytelling has become a staple of his administration, with staffers accustomed to…
-
Kamala Harris Orders Helicopters to Parent Nation
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that has left political analysts on edge, Vice President Kamala Harris has reportedly ordered helicopters to be dispatched to parent the nation, with promises to keep a watchful eye on everyone. “It’s time we take parenting to the next level,” Harris declared during a press conference, flanked by…
-
Billy Joel Appears Next to Piano After Asking to Turn the Lights Back On
-
Judge Orders Double Negative Clears ‘Literal Hate Symbol’ of All Accusations of Evil Doing
DES MOINES, IA — In an unprecedented legal decision, a local judge has ordered a double negative to clear a literal hate symbol of all accusations of evil doing. The ruling has left legal scholars wondering if the English language itself is now subject to courtroom interpretation. “Satan was clearly taken from my religion in…
-
Woman Becomes Unexpected Variable After Crashing Through Research Lab
APPLETON, WI — In an unexpected turn of events that could only be described as an unplanned experiment, local woman Sandra Matheson has become the unexpected variable in a groundbreaking research study after crashing through the doors of a high-tech laboratory. The incident occurred on Tuesday morning when Matheson, a yoga instructor with no scientific…
Zuckerberg Remembers First Time Browsing Internet Unsupervised
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a rare glimpse of personal nostalgia, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reminisced Monday about the…