WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning yet quintessentially American display of executive authority, President Joe Biden today issued an official pardon—to himself—for consuming the last powdered donut in the White House breakroom.
“Look, folks,” Biden began, squinting at the teleprompter as he adjusted his aviators. “We’ve all been there. Long day, budget negotiations, geopolitical tensions, and you walk into the kitchen, and there it is: one, lonely powdered donut. Calling your name. Whispering, ‘Hey, big guy, forget the deficit for a second and focus on dessert.’”
Reports indicate that the donut, a limited-edition seasonal flavor from a local D.C. bakery, had been explicitly reserved by Vice President Kamala Harris, whose name was scrawled on the box in Sharpie. Sources within the administration claim the President ate it without realizing.
“Kamala was pretty ticked,” Biden admitted. “I told her, ‘Come on, kid, I’ll buy you a dozen.’ She wasn’t buying it.”
Legal scholars were quick to debate the unprecedented use of presidential pardons. Critics argued the move was a gross overreach, while defenders pointed out the Constitution lacks clear guidelines on donut-related offenses.
Despite the backlash, Biden appeared unfazed. “Look, I didn’t want this to be a distraction,” he said, brushing powdered sugar off his tie. “We’ve got bigger issues to tackle—like why they don’t just stock more donuts. Jill’s always telling me, ‘Joe, you can’t solve every problem, but you can order more snacks.’”
As for Vice President Harris, she has reportedly been placated with a new box of donuts, though insiders say she is still “keeping an eye on the fridge.”
In a closing remark, Biden addressed the nation directly: “America, I swear to you, no donut—powdered, glazed, or jelly-filled—will come between us. God bless you, and God bless powdered sugar.”
The White House has since updated its breakroom protocol, implementing a sign-out sheet for all baked goods.