WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to streamline the immigration process while bolstering the nation’s economy, U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) announced a new “Gold Card” visa program this week, allowing wealthy foreign nationals to purchase expedited citizenship for a mere $3 million—plus an exclusive tour of an artisanal chocolate factory.
“America has always been the land of opportunity, and now, for the low, low price of just $3 million, new citizens can enjoy all the freedoms of this great nation—including a once-in-a-lifetime guided tour of the Hershey’s Innovation Lab,” said USCIS Director Uriah Pendleton. “You’ll get a 90-minute walk-through of state-of-the-art chocolate production, a complimentary sample of our semi-premium milk chocolate, and of course, the right to live and work in the United States indefinitely.”
The Gold Card visa, which immigration officials assure is “100% not a pay-to-play scheme,” allows participants to bypass years of bureaucracy and grueling application processes. Instead, applicants simply wire their $3 million processing fee and receive a shiny gold-embossed passport in the mail within two weeks.
“Citizenship should be earned, not just handed out,” Pendleton continued. “That’s why, in addition to the $3 million fee, applicants must pass a rigorous eligibility test, including a basic understanding of American values, a willingness to pay exorbitant real estate prices, and the ability to distinguish between Hershey’s and Ghirardelli in a blind taste test.”
The program has already attracted widespread interest from ultra-high-net-worth individuals, many of whom mistakenly believe the chocolate factory visit will involve Oompa Loompas and moral lessons about greed.