PORTLAND, OR—A groundbreaking new study from the Pew Research Center confirmed Wednesday that 99 percent of Americans now believe they are trapped in a hyperrealistic simulation designed solely to cause them suffering.
“After analyzing decades of data on declining wages, skyrocketing rent, and daily existential dread, we’ve found that nearly all Americans now accept that their lives are nothing more than a meticulously programmed hellscape meant to test the limits of human misery,” said lead researcher Dr. Angela Oldsmith. “Whether it’s random parking tickets appearing just when they think they’ve saved some money or customer service lines that loop infinitely, people are increasingly convinced their struggles are not random but carefully curated by an unseen, sadistic force.”
The study revealed that belief in the so-called “Torture Simulation Theory” has rapidly overtaken all other major existential worldviews. When asked to describe the architect of this simulation, 42% of respondents envisioned an apathetic teenage programmer running Earth on a lagging Dell laptop, while 37% suspected an advanced alien species conducting psychological experiments to see how long a society can endure before collectively screaming into the void.
The remaining 1% of Americans who did not believe life was a simulation either self-identified as billionaires or claimed to be “really into meditation now.”
Despite the findings, some researchers urged caution before accepting the theory as truth. “It’s important not to jump to conclusions,” said Dr. Oldsmith. “For instance, we must consider that this is not a simulation at all but simply a natural byproduct of late-stage capitalism grinding the human spirit into dust. Either way, we’re screwed.”
At press time, the White House had announced plans to form a new bipartisan commission dedicated to determining whether life is indeed a simulation—or if Americans are just really, really bad at playing it.