WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling it the “next great frontier in resource extraction,” top economic analysts confirmed Tuesday that the United States has emerged as a promising new cash cow, ripe for large-scale organ harvesting.
“With wages stagnating, debt soaring, and millions of Americans desperate for cash, we’re looking at an absolutely untapped vein—literally,” said economic strategist Mark Delaney, who praised the growing trend of financial institutions offering high-interest ‘Body Equity Loans’ in exchange for non-essential organs. “Americans have spent decades putting off routine medical care, which means many of these organs are in pristine, unharvested condition. It’s simple economics: when a population’s value as labor dwindles, their value as inventory skyrockets.”
The report, published by the Wall Street consulting firm Barclays & Ghouls, outlined an exciting range of opportunities for investors, including kidney futures, plasma derivatives, and an emerging market for gently used corneas.
While some experts have raised ethical concerns, arguing that Americans should at least be compensated fairly for their bodily assets, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has reassured investors that free-market forces will naturally correct any pricing imbalances.
“At the end of the day, if someone wants to sell a lung to cover next month’s rent, that’s just capitalism at work,” said Chamber spokesperson Erin Roth, adding that the potential for high-yield investment returns on cardiac tissue alone could outpace the stock market within a decade.
Meanwhile, lawmakers in Washington have proposed a new bipartisan initiative, the “We The People, We The Parts” Act, which would streamline the process of medical liquidation by eliminating burdensome regulations. “Currently, it takes months for a struggling American to even sell a liver lobe on the gray market. That’s unacceptable,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “With this bill, we can ensure that families have the freedom to choose which body parts they need least—without excessive government interference.”
Americans, for their part, seem increasingly resigned to their fate. “Honestly, if giving up a kidney means I can finally pay off my student loans, why not?” said 32-year-old Ryan Kessler of Cleveland, who is still waiting to hear back from his third job interview this month. “At this point, my organs are the only thing left with any equity.”
At press time, the Federal Reserve had announced plans to peg the U.S. dollar to the market price of bone marrow, sending stocks soaring.