WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking address to the nation, President Joe Biden shocked both Democrats and Republicans alike by endorsing the radical notion that all Americans are equally terrible.
With an air of bipartisan disdain, the President took to the podium to proclaim, “Ladies and gentlemen, let me be clear. Regardless of your political affiliation, we’re all pretty much insufferable. Democrats, Republicans, independents — you name it. We’re all in this together, united in our collective ability to be absolutely awful.”
The unexpected declaration sent shockwaves through the political landscape, as pundits scrambled to make sense of the President’s newfound commitment to national unity through mutual mediocrity.
“I used to think my party was superior, but I guess we’re all just a bunch of disappointments,” lamented one disillusioned voter, echoing the sentiment of many who had tuned in to the unexpected presidential revelation.
In response to the President’s endorsement of collective mediocrity, opposition leaders reluctantly nodded in agreement, conceding that, indeed, everyone has room for improvement. Congressional sessions were temporarily adjourned as lawmakers engaged in an impromptu group therapy session, discussing their personal shortcomings and vowing to be more self-aware moving forward.
As the nation grappled with the newfound reality that no one is exempt from being labeled as equally terrible, citizens from both sides of the aisle tentatively embraced the idea that, perhaps, unity can be found in shared flaws. Only time will tell if this unprecedented declaration will lead to a more harmonious America or simply a nation united in its collective awfulness.