WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a bold move aimed at streamlining the nation’s finances, President Joe Biden announced today that the entire United States monetary system would be transitioned to a single, colossal credit card.
“That’s how we do things in Delaware,” Biden responded, while showing off the three-story-building-sized credit card embossed with a bald eagle hologram and the words “The American Express of Freedom.”
“We’re cutting out the middleman—no more cash, no more coins, no more national debt we can’t swipe away. We’re putting the economy on autopay, Jack!”
The card, which reportedly has a credit limit of “infinity minus one,” will consolidate all federal spending, including Social Security, defense, and infrastructure, into a single monthly statement. Interest rates were negotiated directly with what Biden described as “a really friendly guy” at a Delaware bank.
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen expressed cautious optimism about the move. “With a minimum payment of $14.99 trillion a month, we’re confident we can maintain our global credit rating,” Yellen stated. “Plus, we’ll earn 5% cashback on all military purchases and 2% on essential infrastructure—America’s never seen savings like this.”