WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation that sent shockwaves through the cybersecurity community, President Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking strategy to counter the escalating threat of cyber attacks: a heartfelt plea to hackers worldwide, urging them to “Just Stop, Please.”
In a press conference that left many journalists and security experts bewildered, Biden outlined the simplicity of his new approach, stating, “Look, folks, we’ve tried all the complicated stuff — firewalls, encryption, passwords that look like hieroglyphics — and it’s time for a change. We’re just going to ask nicely. It’s that simple.”
The President’s plan hinges on the power of polite diplomacy, as he plans to send handwritten letters and perhaps a few strongly worded emails directly to notorious hacking groups. The messages are expected to read, “Dear Hackers, please stop hacking. Sincerely, Joe.”
White House insiders reveal that the administration is even considering a series of public service announcements featuring the President himself, looking directly into the camera and imploring, “Hey hackers, cut it out, okay? It’s not cool.”
The proposed public awareness campaign includes posters, billboards, and a trending hashtag, #HackersStopPlease, aiming to create a viral movement encouraging hackers to reconsider their life choices.