NEW ORLEANS, LA—In a controversial move that has sparked theological and political debates across the nation, the White House “Faith Office” announced it would spearhead the construction of a “Heavenly Border Wall” to safeguard paradise.
“It’s not that we don’t welcome everyone. We just want to make sure all entrants have gone through the proper process of redemption, repentance, and background checks.”
Reactions to the initiative have been mixed. Critics argue that it is “logistically and metaphysically impossible” to construct a wall pertaining to spiritual matters, while proponents counter that doubting the project is “exactly what Lucifer would want.”
Meanwhile, the Faith Office has confirmed plans to incorporate “state-of-the-art” selection service, including devices that verify a person’s baptism records.
“Think of it less as a wall and more as a velvet rope outside the ultimate VIP section.”
As for those concerned about what happens to those denied entry, the Faith Office assures the public that there are “plenty of entrance opportunities for worthy souls.”