Earlier this morning, God put a cap on all human life and told the species, “I don’t like what I’m seeing.” From now on, God will start charging for each additional human. When asked about the toll, a local reporter said, “…we’re expecting God will follow up with a lottery, since we’re already unable to accommodate all the people who currently exist.”
God responded to the statement. “You gremlins think you can just put as many of you on this planet as you want, while all the rest of my animals are dying in swaths.”
This affirmative action plan came centuries after humans rid the earth of one of God’s favorite species, the wooly mammoth, which God made extra wooly for his own viewing pleasure.
“I haven’t forgotten, and neither has that hairy elephant.”
