WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking legal ruling today, a no-nonsense judge has ordered the United States, often dubbed the “Deadbeat Nation” by global creditors, to cough up a whopping $33 trillion in overdue child support payments.
“The United States has been neglecting its financial responsibilities for far too long,” declared Judge Sternface during a press conference outside the courthouse. “It’s time for the deadbeat nation to step up and take care of its fiscal offspring.”
The case stems from decades of financial irresponsibility, budgetary neglect, and an insatiable appetite for government spending. “It’s the classic deadbeat scenario,” explained spokesperson, Penny Pinchwell. “The U.S. government had one too many spending binges, left countless creditors high and dry, and never bothered to send so much as a birthday card to its debtors.”
The $33 trillion figure was calculated to account for years of missed payments, compounding interest, and inflation. “This is just the tip of the debt iceberg,” Pinchwell noted. “We had to factor in the cost of education, healthcare, and infrastructure projects that were never paid for. It’s time for Uncle Sam to step up and be a responsible fiscal parent.”
Upon hearing the news, a statement was received from the Oval Office. “Look, it’s not like we don’t want to support our financial obligations,” the official stammered, shuffling through a pile of unpaid bills. “We’ve just been really busy with, you know, stuff. And the economy… it’s complicated.”
Critics argue that the deadbeat nation has a history of extravagant spending, often splurging on things like “military toys” and “pork barrel parties” while neglecting its financial responsibilities. “It’s like buying a new sports car when your child needs braces,” said one frustrated creditor, who asked to remain anonymous. “This judgment is long overdue.”
In response to the ruling, Treasury Secretary Penny Wisebucks announced plans to hold a nationwide bake sale to help cover the debt. “We’ll have delicious homemade cookies, lemonade, and maybe a few commemorative ‘Help Us Pay Our Child Support’ t-shirts,” Wisebucks beamed. “It’s going to be a fun, family-friendly event, and all proceeds will go toward our overdue payments.”
