WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent update to health guidelines in America, a renowned group of medical professionals declared Monday that the best treatment plan for the average American is now simply to “learn to code.”
“We’re moving away from outdated recommendations like exercise, medication, or seeing a licensed professional,” announced the board of top physicians. “Americans need real, sustainable healing—and that starts with a Udemy course and a laptop held together by hope and duct tape.”
According to the new plan, patients experiencing anxiety or even broken bones will now be advised to pivot into full-stack development. “We’re prescribing GitHub accounts. Your femur may be shattered, but with the right front-end framework, you’ll be too busy building Software-as-a-Service programs.”
“I lost my job, my house, and my sense of purpose,” one patient reported sporting a Raspberry Pi manual. “But now I’m enrolled in a $9.99 coding bootcamp taught by a British guy who whispers.”
Still, the federal government is moving forward. Beginning this fall, all high school gym classes will be replaced with two-hour React.js sprints. At press time, Congress was debating a bill to replace Social Security checks with Ethereum-based rewards for solving LeetCode challenges.