DALLAS, TX—Defying the limits of space, time, and basic human need for rest, 42-year-old commercial airline pilot Greg Hanlon has been described by colleagues as “so objectively desirable as a human resource” that the airline insisted on him being physically present in five cities every single day.
“He’s not even the best pilot. He’s just… inexplicably bookable.”
Sources confirmed that Hanlon, who describes himself as “mildly competent and aggressively punctual.”
“People think it’s just about flying the plane,” Hanlon told reporters. “But really, it’s about being a presence. A gentle whisper on the tarmac breeze.”
“Yesterday he was in Houston to personally hand a woman a Post-it note,” said Cheryl Weng. “The note said, ‘Let’s touch base tomorrow.’ He then immediately boarded a flight to Omaha.”
Experts say Hanlon’s desirability lies in his inability to say no, a high threshold for airport Starbucks, and a mystifying energy that makes him seem important.
“He just has that vibe,” reported a gate agent in Detroit.