WASHINGTON, D.C. — A recent report introduces a new kind of crime detection unit, as the Thought Police announced that its agents can hear “your every thought” and are standing by to reinforce an unknown set of criteria for any thoughts deemed “unwanted.”
The Thought Police, known for their unwavering commitment to eradicating unapproved opinions and censoring your ideas, have unveiled a state-of-the-art mind-reading device that can intercept and analyze anyone’s thoughts. “It’s like Minority Report, but without Tom Cruise,” said Thought Policeman, Agent Rand Workman.
According to Agent Workman, the new technology is a game-changer in the world of thought surveillance. “With our upgraded thought-listening devices, we can now entrap an entire population with our mind games and apply seemly unrelated things to the narrative in order to prove just about anything. Or if we simply disagree with the person or the targeted individual disagrees with what we’re doing, we take steps to punish, shame, and silence the targeted individual,” he explained.
In an effort to maintain transparency, the Thought Police have even offered a live streaming service called “ThinkTube,” where citizens can watch the mind-reading process in action. The channel has become an instant hit, with viewers tuning in to see if the next-door neighbor’s thoughts contain any suspicious ideas.
However, critics argue that the Thought Police’s new capabilities raise serious concerns about privacy rights. “What happened to freedom of thought?” asked civil liberties activist Alex Turner. “This is like living in an Orwellian nightmare, except worse because it’s happening in real-time.”
In response to such concerns, the Thought Police have issued a statement affirming their commitment to protecting the public. “Rest assured, we only invade your thoughts when absolutely necessary,” Agent Workman stated. “We’re like the unsung heroes of your inner monologue.”
