WASHINGTON, D.C. — Appearing in a holographic press conference transmitted via neural beam directly into every American’s occipital cortex, President Ron DeSantis sent a reassuring message from the year 2030 today, announcing that we had officially reached the technological singularity—and, thanks to his leadership, everything is going just fine.
“We Reached the Singularity—And Everything’s Fine, Thanks to You Believing in the American Dream.”
According to the time-traveling statement—certified authentic by the Department of Temporal Integrity—the rise of superintelligent AI in late 2029 was “peaceful, obedient, and deeply patriotic.” DeSantis credits this outcome to his administration’s proactive policies, such as the “Stand Your Ground Against Malevolent Code Act” and Executive Order 404: “Freedom to Unplug From the Hive Mind.”
“Greetings, carbon-based patriots of 2025. I bring good news from the other side of exponential progress: Skynet did not activate, nanobots did not dissolve Florida, and yes, your children still eat meat. We achieved harmony with the machine minds because we taught them the value of liberty, discipline, and not wearing a mask in Applebee’s, now known as Applebeams, after adding the signature laser grill.” DeSantis said.