GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—After extensive analysis of the nearly infinite possibilities that could have shaped human civilization, an international team of top scientists announced Thursday that, yes, against all odds, this is somehow the timeline we’ve settled on.
“Our calculations confirm that out of the countless ways history could have unfolded—each with unique sociopolitical outcomes, economic structures, and moral arcs—humanity has inexplicably chosen this one,” said Dr. Elaine Vasquez, lead researcher at CERN, adjusting a whiteboard overflowing with equations that allegedly prove the sheer statistical improbability of every single thing happening exactly as it has.
The study, published in Nature, confirms that the sum total of all human decisions—every war, every scientific breakthrough, every inexplicable cultural moment—has funneled us into a version of reality where AI is being used to generate human interaction and where the global economy is somehow dependent on whether a single man tweets.
“At least one timeline should have given us flying cars, a reasonable work-life balance, or, at the very least, a non-dystopian internet. But nope. We went all-in on this one.”
The researchers stress that, from a purely statistical standpoint, we should have been able to course-correct by now. “At any given moment, humanity has had the option to pivot to a more rational, equal, and sustainable society,” said Vasquez.
At press time, the scientists confirmed that, while no one can say for sure why we landed on this particular timeline, their best guess is that at some point, someone made an irreversible clerical error, and we’ve all just been rolling with it ever since.