Washington, D.C. — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Senate voted 51-49 on Thursday to pass a bill declaring abstinence as the only foolproof method to avoid the birth of demonic children.
“We’ve seen an alarming rise in reports of children with unusual abilities and ominous glowing eyes. The only logical explanation is that these children are demonic in nature, and the only way to ensure this doesn’t happen is through abstinence.”
The bill swiftly garnered support from conservative members of Congress, who praised it as a necessary step to protect traditional family values. “We need to shield our communities from the sinister influence of demonic forces. Teaching abstinence is the only way to safeguard our children and maintain the sanctity of human birth.”
Democratic senators were quick to voice their opposition, calling the bill “ridiculous” and “a waste of legislative effort.” One senator offered her rebuttal, pointing out the lack of scientific evidence supporting the existence of demonic children. “This is a clear attempt to push a fringe agenda at the expense of comprehensive sexual education,” she reinforced. “We should be focusing on real issues, not succumbing to medieval superstition.”