AUSTIN, TX—In a surprise announcement, Tesla confirmed Monday that it is engaged in an ongoing, indefinite war against The People, a nebulous yet ever-present enemy composed of customers, critics, ex-employees, and anyone who possesses independent thought.
CEO Elon Musk made the statement via a cryptic meme of himself as a gladiator. “We are at war with anyone who doesn’t understand that the Cybertruck is perfect,” Musk stated, before challenging “haters” to a duel on the roof of Gigafactory Texas.
“It’s the glue that holds the whole company together.”
For now, Tesla shows no signs of relenting in its war effort. At press time, Musk was reportedly brainstorming new ways to alienate his own fanbase, including releasing an even worse version of X or replacing Tesla’s customer service hotline with an AI that just insults you.