STARBASE, TX—In what experts are calling the most baffling infrastructure project in U.S. history, the federal government has unveiled a plan to spend $18 billion on constructing a fully paved, four-lane highway to a distant planet deemed entirely uninhabitable.
The project, officially named the Interstellar Infrastructure Initiative (I3), has already secured bipartisan support despite its seemingly impractical goal of connecting Earth to Gliese-504b, a gas giant located 57 light-years away. While the planet is widely known for its lack of a solid surface and toxic atmosphere, government officials insist the road is a “necessary investment in future generations.”
Despite concerns over logistics and feasibility, the government has already awarded contracts to, you guessed it, SpaceX. According to preliminary blueprints, the road will begin somewhere in Texas before taking a “slingshot trajectory” past Jupiter to gain enough momentum for the journey.
A feasibility report released by NASA indicated multiple challenges, including the lack of oxygen, gravitational inconsistencies, and the fact that a road extending into the vacuum of space would disintegrate almost immediately. However, government officials dismissed these concerns, arguing that “American engineering has never been about practicality—just look at the F-35 program.”
The project has also drawn backlash from environmental groups, who worry about the carbon footprint of laying down asphalt across the cosmos.
“If you fart in space, can anyone hear it? Because we’re about to take a giant dump up there.”
The first phase of construction is set to begin in 2026, with projected completion sometime in the next 4.5 billion years. Until then, Americans can rest easy knowing their tax dollars are hard at work building a road to nowhere.