WASHINGTON, D.C—In a bold economic maneuver aimed at eliminating the national budget deficit, the U.S. government has announced a sweeping new tariff on foreign air, a move that experts predict will generate trillions in revenue while simultaneously causing widespread asphyxiation among the American populace.
“For far too long, American lungs have been reliant on imported oxygen without it contributing a single cent to our economy. This policy ensures that every breath taken on American soil benefits the American people.”
The tariff, which will be automatically applied to any non-domestic atmospheric molecules entering U.S. airspace, is expected to raise an estimated $3.2 trillion annually, instantly closing the budget deficit while also triggering a mass respiratory crisis among citizens dependent on wind patterns.
“This is an America First policy. If you want to breathe American, you need to buy American.”
The new tariff has already sparked controversy among businesses and consumers alike. Air conditioning companies are warning of unprecedented surges in the cost of cooling imported air, while coastal states are scrambling to build filtration checkpoints at state borders to prevent untaxed Pacific and Atlantic breezes from entering without proper documentation. Airlines, too, are facing new compliance challenges, as international flights will now be required to expel all foreign air from cabins before landing.
Critics argue the policy is not only impractical but could prove devastating for millions of Americans who rely on imported air to survive. A recent report from the Environmental Protection Agency estimates that up to 83% of the breathable air supply in the United States originates from outside its borders, with much of it coming from Canada, which has historically exported large quantities of high-quality oxygen without restrictions.
As implementation begins today, Americans are being urged to limit unnecessary inhalation, stockpile domestic air where possible, and prepare for an era in which even the simple act of taking a breath will come with a price tag.
At press time, the White House was reportedly considering further tariffs on imported sunlight, with an exemption for Florida, which has already declared sovereignty over its fortunate weather.