BARNS CREEK, WY — Residents of this small, once-picturesque town were left reeling this week after a violent shitstorm tore through the area, destroying critical infrastructure, upending daily life, and dashing any remaining hopes of clean drinking water.
“It’s a total disaster. You prepare for tornadoes, floods, maybe the odd plague of locusts, but no one’s ready for something like this,” said Mayor Tom Bronson, standing knee-deep in a slurry of sewage and despair as he surveyed what remained of the town’s main water treatment facility. “The pipes are blown, the well’s gone, and at this point, the town’s water supply is indistinguishable from the contents of a port-a-potty after a three-day music festival. We’re drinking bottled water until further notice — assuming we can get some delivered without the drivers fainting from the smell.”
The residents described the event as “nothing like they’d ever seen” with shit raining from the sky in all forms.
“The pressure just kept building on the treatment facility, and the explosion was loud, like a volcanic eruption.” A water treatment specialist concluded, “there was nothing anyone could do to stop it once all hell broke loose.”
“We’re in survival mode now,” said town resident Angela Carson as she unloaded four pallets of bottled water from the back of her SUV. “We’ve been through wildfires and floods, but nothing like this. My kids are asking me if we’ll ever drink water again, and honestly, I’m not sure how to answer. I’m not even sure I’ll ever shower again.”